The holidays emphasize togetherness. We make plans to join together with our loved ones- whose house will have Christmas dinner? What will we eat? What time will we open presents? What’s on everyone’s wishlist? It’s a time to express our love for one another as we celebrate the true definition of love himself, Jesus.

But if holidays are for being with those we love the most, how on earth can anyone be expected to cope with them when a loved one has died? For many people, this is the hardest part of grieving, when we miss our loved ones even more than usual. How can we celebrate togetherness when there is none?

While we know there are plenty people “left” to celebrate, our mind wanders to the empty void left by the one who is gone. This can create guilt, which when added to the sadness and longing of the person missing, causes grief to feel even more complicated than it does at other times of the year.

Holidays magnify loss in our lives and we can sometimes feel lonely or isolated. It is true that support during this time may be more necessary, but sometimes we try and pretend that we’re “fine” or that others won’t understand. We fear the mindless comments from others, the judgment that we “should be over it.” So we pretend we’re okay even when we’re not.

Instead of avoiding the feelings of grief during this season, try to lean into them.

When negative emotions arise, validate them for yourself and call it what it is. I miss ________ and this holiday won’t be the same without them.

Find a way to honor the one who is gone. I’ve heard countless ways that people do this, including setting a spot for them at the dinner table, making a favorite recipe of theirs, lighting a candle, sharing a social media post of old pictures, or having everyone share a memorable story of them. You may even decide to gift one of their belongings to someone who will really appreciate it.

Finally, take some time to plan how you will show up during the holiday events. Perhaps you have Plan A and Plan B. Give yourself permission to experience events with your family, or perhaps allow yourself to cancel altogether. Knowing that you have a backup plan if you just can’t deal with it can provide comfort. You may decide to discuss this with your loved ones which may provide understanding or even give them permission to do the same.

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, especially during the holiday season. You have every right to do what is best for you and to change your mind. Stay away from judgmental self-dialogue of what you “should” or “shouldn’t” do during the next few weeks, and embrace what it is you need.It may seem like you will feel this way forever, but grief, over time, has an interesting way of forcing us to make new meaning out of traditions.

There are resources available and you are never alone. 

Regardless of what we make out of the holidays, Christmas is truly about Jesus. He is our only hope no matter what circumstances we find ourselves during this season.

John 16:33

Hayley Seidel, LPC